I've been eating like a madwoman! I think, well I know its partially because I'm pregnant but also because my healthy husband is gone and I can eat whatever I want without getting the non-existent side eye. I say non-existent because he really doesn't give me a hard time. But he also doesn't always join me, which makes me feel terrible. LOL! It's funny because when he doesn't join me in my eat like its your last day here, I often opt for the healthier choice, which is usually quinoa, salmon, and a salad. So much better for me, but so not a cheeseburger! In the last couple of days, I've devoured an entire pizza, a philly cheesesteak sandwich, frosted flakes, etc. That's the worst of it actually but its literally been two days. Tonight I cooked spaghetti, with vegetable noodles. The guilt is beginning to set in...

Everyone's got a thing

WE all have something that we have to work on daily. Something that chips away at the better parts of ourselves if we don't get a handle on it. Mine is trust. I think its taken me a little while to identify it but there it is. Mistrust is a cousin to fear and to insecurity, and sometimes, they all tag along making a good day, bad. What I am realizing is that I, in my journey to be better, haven't really been paying much attention to my healing process. All of my fixes have been quick and temporary. A little therapy there, some yoga over here, exercise there, and of course prayer and meditation. But in all of my pursuits, I lack consistency. So what can I do? What will I do? Because if I don't do something...this thing will eat me up. It makes me think of the video game PacMan. And everyone of those dots represents something that I love or that I feel like I may have worked hard for...but the doubt sets in followed by fear and lack of faith...and then in no time...the dot is gone. So what's your thing? And are you feeding it or healing it?

Sooooo tired

I am pretty exhausted today. i don't want to write at all. i want to sleep a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I'm going to...right now.

Missed a couple of days...

I'm back from a trip to Bali. Haha that's so funny...I thought I was writing Cali but some how Bali is what was typed. I think I need to go there. Anyway, I went home to California for my cousins graduation party. Of course I knew the weekend would be full of tiring tasks which I was happy to do. But now I am exhausted. Oh yes, I also brought my 9 month old baby boy. Needless to say, that adds an entirely new meaning to having a full day. I'm also exhausted because I'm currently in the midst of feeling nauseous for most of the day and night. I couldn't tell anyone that because they would've told me to sit down somewhere. I've become quite good at pushing through and acting like things are okay. Not actually the best quality but it useful. While in California, my son woke up one night around 2am. I picked him up and we walked to the window in my Mom's bathroom. It was a beautiful night. We couldn't see the stars because of all the clouds, but I heard the most peaceful noise of silence. I'd forgotten how lovely the nights are there. The neighborhood just shuts down afterwhile. No cars, definitely no sirens, not even birds until around 430am when the rooster crows. I think for the first time, I came to really appreciate San Jose and the odd peace that it brings.

It's been a while. So much has transpired. The world has changed drastically...my personal world and the world at large. I've learned a lot but not enough, so the journey continues. I've gotten married, also known as the longest slumber party, with no parental supervision, ever! It's been fun, and exhausting, and back to fun again. There's so many things about men that I thought I understood, until I got married. I believe, at this point, that all men are related to Shrek. I've also had a child, and there is a ton I thought I knew prior to this occurrence but my goodness, was I wrong. There's so much information out there on pregnancy and the life you lead afterward, but not enough on breastfeeding. That shit hurts! No one told me that!! Just like no one told me that New York is hot and humid as hell in the summer. My first summer in New York...well it wasn't really a summer at all. I left! The weather was a shock to my system and I mentally had not signed up for that mess. It's now been 10 years, and I've committed to this temperamental lover. I've realized that I'm just as temperamental, so maybe we're made for each other. I don't know what prompted me to even find this blog that I couldn't quite commit to years ago, but I'd like to try now. I'd actually like to be more consistent in all areas of my life. So...here's to Day 1 of that!